Lt. Columbo or: How I Learned to Stop Judging & Love Peter Falk

When I was in high school, my parents decided to get Foxtel, which is a kind of Pay TV available in Australia. What I remember Foxtel giving us was about 30 channels of crap, 3 channels of occasionally interesting movies, and Columbo.

It all started late one school night in winter. I had done my homework like the good little angel I am (I can hear my parents laughing five suburbs away) and for a treat, mum flicked over to a part-way through episode of something. Mum and Dad both reacted favourably to whatever was on. As far as I was concerned, I was watching a rumpled old man with a squinty eye questioning another old man with grey hair and a moustache about his dot-matrix printer.

Columbo was different to other murder/mystery shows. You see the murderer commit his crime, then after the commercial break, you watch this questionably awake policeman work out who did it. He didn’t always know how, but he got who right. I actually liked this new method of mystery story, officially called 'the inverted detective format'. It didn't make me feel stupid. In fact, you knew more than the detective - which is probably where the appeal lies.

Don't judge a book by its cover, or a 1959 Peugeot 403 convertible by its oxidation.

Peter Falk wasn’t the first person to play the character of Columbo on TV - Bert Freed was the first. No offence to Freed, but when people think of the police detective, very few think of the villain in the TV series 'Shane'. To give the man credit, though, he originated the character and one must always pay homage to the originals. On that note, the man who took Columbo to the live stage, Thomas Mitchell, also deserves a mention.

So when Falk stepped up to the role, it was a second-hand gig. He wasn't even the writers' first or second choice. Despite that, he made the character his own, and made him an immortal legend of television. I read somewhere that Falk pretty much played himself. As for the squinty eye, I soon found out the actor had a glass eye. Columbo's costume was the actor's own wardrobe and I don't recall anyone styling Columbo's hair (except for one episode with a hairdresser).

There was something about Lieutenant Columbo. So long as you weren't a murderer he'd wave hello and wish you a nice day. Even if you were a murderer, he'd share a glass of wine with you and shake your hand just before the squad car comes to take you away. Sometimes there'd be a sadness in his eyes when a cold-blooded but rather likeable killer is taken away in cuffs. Nice people, poor choices.

"Lt. Columbo. Homicide."

Columbo is an everyman police homicide detective. He drove a car you needed a tetanus shot just to look at, he had a rumpled appearance and reveals more than once how little he earns. The show constantly dealt with wealthy killers, so having this dishevelled working-class question mark roaming about huge Hollywood mansions was a regular entertainment. This is a show about murder, mind you.

Well, it is but it isn't. The thing I like is it doesn't dwell too much on the hard stuff. A corrupt woman or an innocent guy get killed in premeditation or fury and that's it. You never sit through the trauma of a victim's impact statement or see a husband break apart at the morgue.

The thing I'm trying to say is it isn't about the murder. It's about following Columbo, watching his reactions, listening to his words. Over time I got good enough to pick the precise moment he suspects a killer. It could be right at the beginning or moments to the end. Either way, he gets his man - or woman.

Sometimes it could be cleverly psychological, like one episode when we see the murderer plan how to cover up his crime through the reflection on his glasses (probably makes sense in context...) or a woman plans to kill her brother and we hear the voices of police offers after the fact. One killer sinks into an alter ego, a confident seductress she dresses up as to top off her unfaithful boyfriend, going so far as to send taunting messages to Columbo along the way.

She planned it well...

But Columbo saw the newspaper left on the nightstand.

Every long-running series has better episodes than others. It spanned from the late 1960’s right to the early 2000’s. While regular episodes stopped around 1989, they were still produced right up until 2003. I won't list off my best and worst Columbo episodes because, like a large family, I am compelled to love them all. Some simply stand out as more extroverted than others. I enjoy the ones with music, colour and movement. The one on the cruise ship, in London, in a restaurant surrounded by food, in a film studio etc.

Columbo dining in style.

Like Poirot or Marple to British actors, Columbo was the American Murder/Mystery box to be ticked. I recall Leslie Nielson in two appearances, William Shatner twice being a murderer, Ricardo Montalbán as a man-killing matador, Leonard Nimoy playing a conniving Doctor who kills a nurse. Even Johnny Cash appeared in one as a gospel/country singer. I won't go into the full list of special guests, seeing as you can peruse it at your leisure.

If you're ever curious to learn more about the man, I have to say Peter Falk's autobiography is an entertaining read. I got it a few years ago, just before news broke of his Alzheimer's. I really enjoyed the way it was written. Imagine yourself sitting in an armchair with a cup of tea one sunny Sunday arvo. Sitting opposite you is Peter Falk, smiling jovially and also holding a cup of tea. Turns out he's put the kettle on and invited you around to his place for a chat. He's spread out an array of old and new photographs on the coffee table and begins to tell you stories about them. Not necessarily in chronological order, but stories about his life, career and all the stuff you want to know about. That's how it's written and I love it.

Peter Falk invites the reader around to his place for a cup of tea and a chat.

Columbo rarely relied on DNA, fingerprints or all that sort of microscopic data modern shows are compelled to use for verisimilitude. Anything, like a piece of flint from a lighter, an answering machine message, a word document on a computer - those sorts of things were the alibi breakers in Columbo stories.

I guess this is the part where I head to a conclusion somewhere before your eyes glaze over. Even if a show is from the 60's or 70's and the clothes look disgusting, don't judge a book by its cover. Shows don't need glossy props or flashy sets to be enjoyable - they need endearing characters and good writing. Promise me, if you ever see this dishevelled character on your TV in future, give him a chance to win you over.